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One of my favorite quotes by Carl Jung is about how we must understand our own darkness in order to understand the darkness of others. This is a basic understanding of shadow work. Our "shadow" is the part of ourself that we repress based on what character traits we deemed "bad" or undesirable in childhood. For example, if we had a sensitive father who was criticized for his sensitivity by our mother, we may have found our own sensitivity to be a problem; we then learned to bury anything that might be seen as "sensitive" by our family. This can create problems for us later in life, because sensitivity and vulnerability are often needed to build intimacy. We would then need to incorporate our repressed sensitivity in order to become a more well-rounded person capable of connecting to others intimately. Another "dark" or shadow trait could be when we repress aggression, or anything that reminds us of aggressive behavior of a parent. We become too passive in an attempt to overcorrect. Part of healing would be to incorporate a little bit of anger when we need to stand up for ourselves. What parts of yourself do you repress? What is your shadow? Comment below! #selfhealers #healing #shadowwork #carljung #darkness #darkside The fearful avoidant attachment styled individual is the most complex, and also has the most variance for how they may present. A good example in cinema of this attachment style is Matt Damon’s character in “Good Will Hunting”. The Dismissive Avoidant attachment (or DA) tends to value their independence more than the other attachment types. The DA takes pride in being able to self soothe and take care of themselves. They learned this coping strategy in childhood so that they could deal with unresponsive caregivers. They learned that it was only safe to trust yourself. Next up is anxious-preoccupied (or "AP"). This attachment style, from a positive perspective, represents our collective human need for closeness; however, this attachment style takes this need too far. Due to not knowing whether or not they would receive this closeness and meeting of needs in childhood, this attachment style believes that they must constantly be on the lookout for distancing or needs going unnoticed or unmet. This may even happen when their partners are not trying to distance themselves from the anxious preoccupied person at all! The AP believes that he or she must intervene to get a constant flow of attention, love, affection, and met needs. They can end up sabotaging their relationships unintentionally through accusations of cheating, excess texting and calling during anxious or dysphoric episodes, and in extreme cases even (Facebook) stalking their partners. The AP's work is to realize that they can be their own safe haven when their attachment figures are busy or need to be away for whatever reason. When an AP grows, they learn to allow their partner's the space they need, and they recognize that some space is normal in healthy relationships. They learn to validate themselves and meet some of their own needs. Are you an AP? What have been some major realizations you have had about your attachment style? When was the first time you felt safe and cared for in a relationship? What are you doing to actively maintain a relationship with yourself? Comment below!! #attachment #attachmentstyles #anxiousattachment #anxiety #selfregulation #healingattachmentwounds #selfhealers #relationship #relationshipadvice #mentalhealth #therapy #therapistsofinstagram In this series of posts, we are going to talk about attachment! Attachment style is the number one factor that contributes to overall relationship happiness and sustainability. Today I am starting out by talking about the secure attachment. According to research, 60% of the population are securely attached, and 40% have an insecure attachment style (more on those later). The secure attachment style partners are known as the "superheroes of attachment" because when in a relationship with a secure person, even insecure attachment styles can BECOME secure. This is because all humans need a safe space to express our needs for love, security, and connection and have those needs be met consistently. If we come from families where our needs were not met, this feels FAMILIAR, and we are attracted to familiarity, NOT safety. Often times we choose other insecure attachment styles because not having our needs met is what is familiar. Once we start doing our inner healing work, we become more and more attracted to securely attached individuals. Do you have a secure attachment style? Do you know someone who does? In what ways do the secure attachments in your life show up for you? Comment and tag your people below! #attachmentstyles #attachmenttheory #relationshipadvice #therapy #mentalhealth #love #healthyrelationships #throuple #polyamory #enm #kinkcommunity #therapist #lasvegas #ethicalnonmonogamy #nonmonogamy #swingerlife #swingercouple #polyamorous #sextherapy It is important in ethically non monogamous (ENM) relationships to know what kind of arrangement is going to work best for you, based on your needs and the needs of your partner(s). The problem with using “polyamory” as a blanket term is that often couples will THINK they mean the same thing when they talk about opening up a relationship, and this is where miscommunications can arise. What I hate to see happen is scenarios like this: “Bob said he wanted to open our relationship. I was fine with that until he started developing FEELINGS for one of the women he was seeing.” This might have been Bob’s intention all along, but his partner feels lied to. This is a COMMON miscommunication that I see all the time. Over the next few days, I am going to post some commonly used definitions of the various relationship styles, so we can all become better negotiators and advocates our needs, and empathetic and understanding of our partners needs. I only thought it appropriate to talk about love during February. With Valentines Day around the corner, I have been talking a LOT about the meaning of love in my practice. There are literally hundreds of definitions. Here in the US, our definition of what constitutes romantic love that leads to a dating relationship is so narrow.
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