How To Self Love (On Valentine’s Day)

Hey, hey! I know I am a day late, but better late than never to talk about being single on Valentine’s Day! After all, people celebrate this holiday sometimes the week after the official Valentine’s “date” in order to get a reservation for a massage or fancy dinner. As a single person, you can celebrate this holiday, too. Valentine’s Day is about love, and YOU are the most important person that you can love. You read that right. By loving yourself, it better equips you to love others.

I remember my last single Valentine’s Day, because it was the one that I realized that I was worth investing in. I got my first tattoo that day, a symbol representing the importance of self-love. I also spent that day with a friend and treated myself to a nice dinner with cheesecake for dessert. This Valentine’s Day was important for me, because in the past I’d given too much to my partners in past dating relationships. This Valentine’s Day taught me to put myself first. I met my now husband a few months later, and I think we might have missed each other if it weren’t for this important mental shift that I made. Here are some tips for how to love yourself, not just on Valentine’s Day, but on other days as well.

1. Treat yourself to a nice dinner. You don’t have to wait for Valentine’s Day to do this. I know many singles who are terrified to eat by themselves out in public, but it can actually be very liberating. It also enables you to seem more approachable, and who knows, perhaps you will meet someone the old fashioned way of them approaching you… and them being totally not creepy (because for some reason, meeting someone in public and asking for their number is creepy nowadays with the dawn of online dating being the norm). Don’t get me wrong, there are creepy people out there, but someone approaching you to say hi doesn’t automatically put them in that camp. And if nothing else, even better, you get to enjoy that dang cheesecake!
2. Make a journal entry…or seven. Time to dust off that old writing journal from college or high school. Journaling not only helps you track moods such as depression and anxiety, it can help reduce symptoms as well. Journaling can also help you get in touch with what is important to you in the moment. It can be a good place to vent. Start by making a list of journal prompts such as “5 Goals I Want to Accomplish This Year”, “How I Am Feeling Right Now”, “Dating Mistakes of the Past”, or “What I Have Liked About Past Partners”. These types of entries can help you take stock of your life, something that is very important to do before committing your life to someone (if that is your eventual goal).
3. Make that appointment you have been putting off. Go to the hair salon. Get that tattoo! Get your nails done (yes, men can love mani/pedis as well)! By taking care of your grooming needs, you are signaling to your brain that YOU are important.
4. Send some love to the other important people in your life. Yes, this is an act of self-care, because we need community. We are built for it. Invest in people whom you have no romantic interest in at all. Invite another single person over, or have a video chat if that helps you feel more comfortable during pandemic times.
5. Check out moore-vulnerability-counseling.teachable.com . There are several e-courses that you can take to help promote self-awareness and relationship growth. Check out my mini courses that can help you learn your MBTI or Enneagram, or take stock of your past dating patterns with the Past Dating Patterns Assessment. Learn to have difficult conversations about sexuality, family, boundaries, and more! This e-course will prepare you for dating ahead of time. When you are ready, you will be a pro.

The New Romantics: Dating 101 E-Course

http://moore-vulnerability-counseling.teachable.com/p/the-new-romantics-dating-101

An E-Course to Seriously Help Up Your Dating Game

Hello peeps! I have some exciting news about a new e-course that I have developed over the past several months. I am getting ready to release The New Romantics: Dating 101 this weekend. If you are unsure if this course is for you, take the following quiz to find out.

Is “The New Romantics” For Me?: A Quiz

1. I have struggled with dating in the past, and I am scared of getting hurt again.
   True
   False

2. I am not sure what qualities I need to look for in order to date partners with long-term potential.
True
False

3. I am still exploring aspects of my sexuality, which makes it hard to find and/or commit to partners who will suit me.
True
False

4. I don’t feel like I know who I am, let alone what to look for in a romantic partner.
True
False

5. I seem to keep being the most attracted to people who end up abandoning me or hurting me in some way.
True
False

6. I am thinking about marrying my current partner, but I am having some doubts.
True
False

7. I am married, but I feel as if my partner and I are not communicating well.
True
False

8. There are topics that I do not feel that I can discuss with my partner without help.
True
False

9. I have no idea how to meet people using social media, dating apps, Skype dates, etc. I am clueless when it comes to technology.
True
False

10. I want to know what dating sites will attract the kind of partnership I am seeking.
True
False

11. I struggle with social anxiety, and it can be hard for me to meet potential matches in-person.
True
False

12. I struggle with being too passive, or with being too aggressive with others. This has led to relationship problems.
True
False

13. I am interested in learning about MBTI, The Enneagram, or other assessments to learn about myself and potential matches.
True
False

14. I have low self-esteem and this prevents me from putting myself out there to date.
True
False

15. I have almost no dating experience to speak of, but would love to get started. I am just unsure of how.
True
False

Should you purchase this e-course? Results:
–Between 8-15 “True” Responses: YES! This e-course would be perfect for you. You can learn to be more assertive, communicate about getting your needs met, discuss difficult topics with your dates with ease, and have better dating experiences that lead to long term partnerships.
–Between 3-8 “True” Responses: A Definite Maybe. Perhaps you would like to wait until you are in a dating relationship to make this purchase. Subscribe to this blog and keep watching for promos in order to get a better idea of what this e-course can offer you.
-Less than 3 “True” Responses: Probably not the best course for you. Keep watching for promos and announcements about mini courses that will be available for purchase in mid to late 2021.

If you are still unsure, check out my e-course page to preview this course: http://moore-vulnerability-counseling.teachable.com/p/the-new-romantics-dating-101

Why We Stay in Unhealthy Relationships

“Girl, you’ve got options“…is what I say to many women who feel that they must stay in their negative and abusive relationships. Sadly, me saying this is often a revelation to many women. It is not that I don’t also say this to men, however the focus of this post will be about women specifically, because society “programs” women differently. What is it that makes us stay in bad relationships? Why are toxic relationships so enticing for so many? As it turns out, a toxic mixing of our spheres of influence is to blame. Our spheres of influence include our relationship to self, our relationship to family, and our relationship with society at large.

I have discovered that it seems as if one of the main factors keeping so many in unhealthy relationships is low self-esteem, or the relationship with ourselves. “Nobody else will love me the same”, “I will never find someone as attractive as him/her” are things that we don’t necessarily say out loud, much less admit to ourselves. These messages can sometimes be buried deep in our subconscious, which is why they can be difficult to identify. We tell ourselves that we love the person, have never felt such strong attraction, feel as if the other person is “the one”, or–the kicker–that this is the person God intended us to be with. These thoughts can be powerful motivators to stay, but often the real reason is much more subtle. Often we stay because we have low self-esteem.”Wait a minute,” you might say, “I have high self-esteem, or it least it feels as though I do.” Having low-self esteem can often times be hard to spot. Many of us think that self-esteem is how we feel about our looks, talent, or success, when in fact self-esteem has even more to do with our self-worth. Do we feel worthy of the love we deserve? Do we believe that something better actually exists?

For many, it can be hard to believe that a relationship can be better than the negative one right in front of them. This can happen when abuse and mistreatment are pretty standard in the houses we grew up in. Perhaps we were even abused in some way, shape, or form, and in our minds–deep down–we think, “this is what I deserve”. This is how the second sphere of influence, our familial ties, can have such an impact on our dating relationships. We internalize messages of shame, all the while our gut tells us that something is not right about the way we are treated–but it is all we know. Sometimes knowing the streets of hell can feel more comforting that dreaming about the possibility of heaven.

The third sphere of influence that keeps people in toxic pairings is the unhelpful cultural narratives and expectations our society has about gender, sexual orientation, sex, and body image. For women who grow up in the evangelical church, we are told that our virginity is a precious gift that we should save for our wedding night. Not only is this difficult, it is dang near impossible when our culture constantly tells women that we must be sexual in order to be valuable. Women who are sexual must also look and dress a certain way, they must be a certain weight, must have specific body proportions. When respectful men keep their distance from women, this can feel like rejection or disinterest to women with self-esteem issues. This creates some pretty strong abandonment fears that are counterproductive to a healthy relationship. In fact–fears of abandonment can either sabotage a potentially good relationship, or more often than not, abandonment fears can attract individuals who wish to exploit this fear through manipulation. Men, on the other hand, seem to get an entirely different mix of conflicting cultural messages.

So, what is the solution to all of this? These overlapping and often contradictory spheres of influence can really wreak havoc in the lives of so many women AND men. Often, the first step is seeing a therapist in order to identify how these interpersonal and cultural influences may be affecting the individual. Sometimes a little bit of insight and education is all that is needed. However, often times it can take a bit more than just insight and education. We have to identify and change the internal messages we tell ourselves, and we have to change our spheres of influence. Many surround themselves with healthier friends, leave the church, or distance themselves from unhealthy family members. Day by day, new internal messages can emerge:
You are worth it.
You are beautiful.
Your sexuality is not wrong.
You deserve better.
You will be loved.
You have options.

Many of these ideas that I’ve been trying to put into words for years are expressed much, MUCH better this book I have been reading. For those of us who received toxic messages from the church:

https://amzn.to/3kO1kEL